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... of humorous stories

"The Perfect Job"

 I was a reluctant participant in the world of employment. At 18 years of age I took my first job. I was to be a dog walker for the wealthy. When I ended up in the hospital after one day of walking Fefe, I came to two conclusions: First, never, never interrupt a dog during mating; Second, change careers immediately if I have any desire to father a child in the future.

When I ended up in the hospital after one day of walking Fefe, I came to two conclusions: First, never, never interrupt a dog during mating; Second, change careers immediately if I have any desire to father a child in the future.

This started a life-long pursuit for the perfect job.

I decided on a noble profession that would help save the planet. I became an assistant junior ranger with the National Park Service. It was early July and the grounds were packed with summer vacationers.

Twenty-seven children from the ages of six to eleven enrolled for the "Observe the Earth" tour of the woods. The adventure was supposed to start at 8 am but I overslept and once up I had to have my java so we began at 1 pm sharp. Since I never read any of the required educational material about the great outdoors, I had to wing it.

I explained to the kiddos that the miracle of trees was that they helped us produce houses, and lots of paper for printers. I demonstrated to the eager learners that anyone could live off nature's bounty by carefully selecting eatable vegetation.

The next day I discovered I had consumed poison oak.

The junior campers and I walked for over three hours that first day. Some of the younger children were crying for their computers and tv's. Unfortunately, my followers quickly realized that I had absolutely no clue where we were going and they mutinied. They elected nine year old Timmy Roth as leader and within fifteen minutes we were back in camp.

I was later officially stripped of my brown shorts and hat and thrown out of the forest service.

I wanted to stay with the outdoor theme so I tried the Surveying business. Using the magnifying scope however, on the showering girls at "Camp Swampy", was strongly discouraged.

Next I signed up as a farm hand. The farmer wanted me to wake up at 4 am. I quickly realized that this job would not fit into my lifestyle. Yet, I still clung to the romantic notion of working under the sun.

I became a roofer. It was great pay and excellent benefits. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that sleeping on the job meant you would likely wake up in the rose bushes.

I came to my senses that this alfresco lifestyle needed to end. With very little ambition, but a strong desire not to starve to death, I turned my sights to an indoor profession.

I felt the need to give something back to the community so I became a Recreational Therapist in a nursing home. I bought a shinny new whistle and a muscle shirt and immediately choreographed a workout program.

I didn't know that the cha-cha-cha can cause heart attacks, strokes and broken hips when you are over ninety. Fearing I would snuff out the remaining residents, I was let go.

I enjoyed working with the infirmed so I enrolled in a chiropractic school. After just three weeks I was instructed to reset the spine of a volunteer.

It seems that I might have over adjusted a little. The woman walks like she could tilt over at any moment. The school was sued for malpractice and I immediately hit the classified ads.

I was hired as an Air Traffic Controller which paid extremely well. Basically I stared at a computer screen and made sure that plane "A" didn't hit plane "B".

What no one bothered to tell me was that I needed to be relieved by another controller before I could go get a hotdog. I spent three days incarcerated for public endangerment.

Shortly after being released, I answered an ad that nearly cost me my life. It read "Masseuse needed, exclusive celebrity resort, no experience necessary, will train right person". I had a vision of super models with barely covered bottoms.

The training was very detailed. "Throw some oil on and rub it all around", instructed my six hundred year old guru.

The first few days went well until Ms.Fanny and the other two rubbing technicians ran past me out the side door shouting instructions for me to take care of the client in room three.

I opened the door and saw the hairiest 400 pound man I had ever seen lying naked on the table.

I introduced myself and asked him to take off his thick wool sweater which he assured me was actually his hair. I threw a bucket of warm lubricant on him and began the session. I knew at that moment this profession was not for me.

The next six months were very trying on me. I had to change jobs twenty-three times because of one silly little mistake or insignificant misunderstanding after another. The highlights are less than stellar but I will share them in the interest of helping you to hold onto your vision of the ideal job.

I once took a position as a hazardous material removal worker in a biochemical plant. Things were peachy right up to the point when my supervisor heard me say the dreaded word "oops".

Short order cook had a promising future until the four-alarm blaze ended it.

Pest control professional had bad consequences. I sprayed the toxic chemicals into the ventilation system of the infested building. One hundred and fifty residents lay on the front lawn of their apartment complex gasping for air.

It was fun being a driving instructor but when a large oak tree permanently occupied the front seat, I didn't have enough room for passengers.

After thirty-seven jobs in eighteen months I finally figured out my ideal career. It matched my requirements perfectly: it was indoors, it helped my fellow man, and it had coffee urns in many locations.

Tomorrow I will start my dream job at the Los Angles Special Surgery Hospital as the operating room scheduler for outpatient day surgery. Isn't it great! What could possibly go wrong?

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