TIDBITS
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"Diet, Exercise and a Fistful of Cyanide Pills"

  I exited the shower, looked in the mirror and screamed. I was going on vacation in a few months and I was quickly becoming the cellulite capital of the world. My fear was that if I went swimming I would be harpooned and dragged aboard a Japanese fishing trawler.

A life decision was made: change my eating habits and embark on a weight loss and exercise program. The golden rule to getting in shape, they say, is to choose a regimen that will fit your personality and schedule.

Unfortunately, there wasn't a commercially endorsed "drink beer, eat donuts, and slam pizza" fat reduction plan. By doing some superficial research I found the most popular diets and evaluated them.

The most widespread food plans advocate the complete opposite of each other and none of them have any research or concrete medical evidence to back up their health claims.

One is low in carbohydrates and high in protein. The other is high in carbs, low in protein.

The first category promotes eating an over abundance of food like meats, butter, eggs, and sour cream. This sounds tasty but it might cause the liver or kidney to shutdown. Even though I am not medically certified, I have a feeling this could kill me.

The second category demands high grain foods. At first glance this seems like a healthy way to eat but it offers a very bland menu, and without protein it will lead to energy loss. The pounds will fall off but you won't have the strength to get out of bed.

There is also the very popular Raw Food diet. This movement advocates all foods eaten in their raw state with almost a complete absence of cooking. This includes morning java. I knew I would become a bean pole following this regime, I didn't a want to be a miserable bean pole with a migraine.

The herbal remedies for portly of body are not subjected to regulated standards and therefore might damage parts of your anatomy that you didn't even know existed.

Herbs loosen up the body's exit ramp to the point where you have to plan your day's activities around known water closet locations.

After studying the different blubber cures, I started to formulate my own fat reduction plan and at the same time began to investigate exercise programs.

As we have all seen, there is a plethora of work out videos and books on getting healthy. I knew that the right program could increase my energy level, improve sleep and have a positive effect on sexual potency (OH, BABY!).

There are videos that promote aerobics, bicycling, facial exercises ( I guess it's for the person who's face is lazy), jump roping, rowing, step training and water exercising.

There's even one that promotes belly dancing. I want to loose my belly not train it to prance around the ballroom floor.

One even guaranteed the body I always wanted. I immediately opted for Julia Roberts with me on a Saturday night.

I rented the most popular videos but had some problems. I was into the karate kicks until my foot went though the TV and I woke up in the emergency room having been electrocuted. As much as I tried to exercise with Denise and Cindy I couldn't keep my eyes off their gyrating movements.

I also rented Jane Fonda's tape but quickly returned it after the neighborhood kids started to call me sissy boy.

I decided to get in shape the old fashioned way: running, weightlifting, push ups and sit ups.

I immediately went shopping and bought three workout outfits. I also purchased a hundred and twenty pound dumbbell set which I had delivered because I couldn't move it.

On top of that, I got sweatbands for my head, wrists and ankles. Other necessities included the proper leather gloves and sleeveless shirts for weight training. I picked up a pair of running shoes and another pair for my weight lifting program. I definitely needed special sunglasses for jogging and a hernia belt for lifting. I was able to procure all needed items for a little over two thousand and forty dollars.

It was all coming together now it was time to get my psyche involved.

The experts pontificate that the most important aspect in becoming thin is understanding why you overeat. I hit the buzzer quickly because I knew this answer.

I overeat because I love stuffing my face with things that taste good and one hundred and fifty percent of them cause fat cells to form on my skeleton. My body rejects all healthy foods that are low in calories because they all taste like tofu.

Once the mind is fully involved in healing and strengthening the body, it's just a matter of time until your dream comes true.

This is quickly accomplished by setting fifteen minutes aside for visualization and chanting. Visualization is accomplished by closing your eyes and imagining yourself as the physical specimen you long to be. As you are doing this you are to pick a phrase that has significance for your goal and say it over and over again. I chose "Bond...James Bond".

The first morning I was up at 5 am with my new running gear on and raring to go. I left the building and ran for a good six minutes. I was exhausted.

The sweat was held at bay by the bands that encircled my body. I crawled the last hundred yards into McDonald's and bought a well-deserved soda with a big breakfast on the side. After resting for a half-hour I elected to hobble the four blocks back to my apartment.

The first day of weightlifting was easy. I did thirty lifts, sixty curls and fifty bench presses. In fact, I decided I would add ten more pounds to the bar making it an even twenty.

I struggled with the sit ups and mastered sixteen. I ran into a problem with the push ups. After the third one I couldn't move. I needed one of those emergency wrist devices because I was on the floor and I couldn't get up.

I remained there until the next morning when I started my routine again. I followed this program for almost a week. Need I relate that I was so sore, and my muscles were so tight, that I couldn't get off the couch without a low animal-type moan escaping from my lips?

At my weigh in I didn't exactly lose the pounds I had hoped I would. In fact, I actually gained six pounds but it must be muscle because muscle weighs more than fat.

In so far as a diet, I choose the Dr. Atkins route. I was going to join one of the centers that assigns you a personal counselor but I strongly suspected they talked about their clients behind their back.

I'm sure they make bets about which one of the softies would gain the most before the next weigh in. They probably even have secret nicknames for their herd of heifers. Names like: Tons of Fun, Mr. Fleshy, Belly A Go-Go, Buns A Dragging, Abs of Pancakes, and Sweats Like Moose.

I also tried the twelve-step program but decided it wasn't for me because no one else was interested in my view that snicker bars are made from all natural ingredients.

On the eight day of my running program the unthinkable happened. I slipped and sprained my foot. The doctor said it would have been much worse if I hadn't used the nearby elderly woman as a landing cushion.

If you look hard enough, good can often times come out of painful situations. As I lay motionless on my couch because every ounce of me hurt, the TV news announced a scientific breakthrough. The fat-gene was discovered and if removed, the body would not become obese.

They introduced Clarence, a mouse that was genetically altered, who was fed high fat and high calorie foods but remained trim.

What the hell was I killing myself for when a cure was right around the corner? I opened my door and rolled my weights out into the hallway.

I reluctantly gave up running after my near death experience and took up the manly sport of checkers.

My workout outfits and sweatbands are now worn when cleaning my apartment or repairing the car. In so far as the chanting, I realized I was slipping when instead of chanting "Bond...James Bond" I was actually saying "pizza...pepperoni pizza".

Although I was elated to learn about this scientific breakthrough, the news was not all good. Later that week it was announced that Clarence was found hanging in his cage.

It seems the scientists put him back on regular food, thereby ending the flow of cake, ice cream, steaks, candy and his favorite, moon pies. He became so depressed he committed suicide.

As for myself, I wait patiently for the forthcoming genetic cure as I sip a rootbeer float, gobble my reese's pieces and laugh at the sweating bodies on the work out tapes.

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